Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.