Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
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My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I want this so bad
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse