Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again