I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
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I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.