Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

Note to self: always read the final line

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.