Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

Friday night party time 🥳

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

The government even made aliens boring

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.