I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Skip intro
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…