I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
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Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt