Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club