People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
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An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling