I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
ok hear me out: Luigiana
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number