I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My guardian angel deserves a raise