I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
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Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
When the stylist spins you back around
