I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.