I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”