Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.