I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
School be like
just got my engagement photos
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.