I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
PER MY LAST EMAIL
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it