I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
You Might Also Like
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
What.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Jogging
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe