I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
You Might Also Like
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
