Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

Sounds like a bargain

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

Ferrari squats

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.