I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
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Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”