I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.