Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

see you in hell you stupid fruit

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…