I enjoy a good short stor
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk