I enjoy a good short stor
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No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Every photo I’m tagged in
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.