Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”