Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

Oh the world we live in…

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

I think my mom just blocked me

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.