me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
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ME: hit me
M: hit me
M: hit me
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
If Sean Spicer announces his own resignation, is it true?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I don’t get how people still get attacked by sharks. DON’T THEY HEAR THE MUSIC?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
How do you milk an almond?