I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

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gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better


Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.


Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting


I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.


Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.


I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.


He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’


Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.