Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@DanMentos

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

@thehubrispanda

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

@Average_Dad1

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

@Thedudish

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

@michaelianblack

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

@WittySassBasket

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

@junejuly12

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.