I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
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If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
When someone trying to leave me
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
“What?”
– Jude
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.