Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@PhilJamesson

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

@Christweetpher_

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

@iscoff

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

@YuckyTom

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

@BCAppelbaum

If Sean Spicer announces his own resignation, is it true?

@idiosity

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

@smithsara79

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

@pekin83

I don’t get how people still get attacked by sharks. DON’T THEY HEAR THE MUSIC?

@Mr57percent

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

@birbigs

How do you milk an almond?