I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Good morning ☺️
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
