I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
fair
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
