Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

The cake is mightier than the sword.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

no such thing as a dumb question

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.