Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.