I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]