I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
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20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.