I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
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I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Ha.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
this was very charming
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
True statement👍😏😁
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard