I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
You Might Also Like
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
ok this is my dumbest yet
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.