I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.