I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
This made me chuckle.
The point of your 20s
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.