I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Strangers have the best candy.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Story time
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing