Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.