I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
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‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…