Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

satan: not today, microsoft teams

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

I have never related to anyone more.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

Dietest Coke

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

ㅤㅤ

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.