I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.