I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
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Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th