Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

peeping toms

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better