Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Plant care tips

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”