Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

Always 🥴

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

she has a point

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

When life hands you women, make women laid.