I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third


My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.


How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?


Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds


[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*


DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.


*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?