@theDanLawler

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

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@notalogin

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

@Marlebean

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

@TheGoodGodAbove

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

@Shade510

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

@InternetHippo

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

@TheMichaelRock

When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it’s becoming a Transformer.

@hippieswordfish

In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man

@Home_Halfway

A perfect cake idea for someone you have absolutely no feelings for either way

@MaidOfBeans

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.