God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
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me: I lost the boy
me: at the burrito stand
me: I turned around for a second
me: and then for a third
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*
“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!