I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
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The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!