@theDanLawler

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

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@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

@ValeeGrrl

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

@mrtruthandsoul

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

@Ygrene

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

@TheRolo

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

@dafloydsta

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

@DarkInjustices

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?