Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

ㅤ

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

three things we don’t talk about

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*