I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
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Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich