I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
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[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
kitchen magnet
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month