I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
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Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret