I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?