Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

You wish you had this many chins.