Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally