I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I’m never leaving this app.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
a badder mouse
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED