I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
🏙👨🏼
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.