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accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
i just found this in my phone
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely