I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.