I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
You Might Also Like
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
How to walk around a museum
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Don’t talk down to me
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.