I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
It’s that simple 👊🏻
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM