I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
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I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.