i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
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Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.