i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
How I like cutting carbs
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help