I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.