I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Mornin
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.