Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI