I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
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Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”