Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.