*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
You Might Also Like
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
certified hallow’s eve classic
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad