Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice