I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
You Might Also Like
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
BF: Come over. Let’s do sex.
Me: I’m tired.
BF: I have tacos.
Me: It’s late.
Brendan Fraser: I won’t make you watch my movies.
Me: On my way
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it’s a vicious cycle.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.