*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
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So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
every college guy’s fridge
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.