Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
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If we had gender equality we’d ALL give birth through our ass. And no more Men from Mars & Women from Venus, everyone would be from Uranus.
When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact
Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”
Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”
Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”
Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!