I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))