I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
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For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Rude much 😂😂😂
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention