Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Mood.. 😂

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.